Redeem Restore Reuse

So it has been a long time since I have written in here. I have had a rough couple of years. I have been much more angry over past and recent hurts than I wanted to admit. I also realized I was really damaged by these past hurts. Now if you think this post is about you. Then honestly decide if you owe me an apology. I do have some specific events in my thinking, But to the reality is this post is about a lot of different hurts and people. I even had been shutting my family and my main source of Strength GOD out of my life. I have been very basic in my posts. My heart just grew tired of naysayers. I like social media but it has been the cause of any hurt feelings. I am often accused of holding on to things and then blowing up. I do, do that. Why? I do that because deep down I do not want to hurt peoples feelings. I want to be liked and loved.
I have become a much quieter person. That is just not who I am though. It is not who I want to be. It is not who GOD made me to be. I let people take my joy.
So you can understand I will give you a simple example. I love wildlife and nature of all kinds. Wild plants interesting plants not your norm, I have a neighbor that does not like them. He complained all the time. So I didn't want my neighbor to be mad at me so I cut them all down and dosed my yard with chemicals I hate. Instead of creating a barrier so it wouldn't invade his yard. Well guess what, He still complains and I am left unhappy with my yard.
All of these little things and many big ones, trying to make others happy have left this part of me shut down.
I don't talk about my faith, my belief in miracles, my belief that God is working things out for us, even as we are screwing them up behind his work. I don't talk about the fact that when I took a picture of my grandchildren a few weeks ago I felt like Sarah and another baby was shining down from heaven on them. Why? someone will just tell me it was a ray of sunshine. Nope...
Don't misunderstand, I know I have also hurt people, left my mark of damage. For that I am sorry. I will never get some of those relationships back. I live with that. Some I don't know what I did, why? I wish I knew, I was taught a long time ago that I was unworthy of some peoples love. I wish you could unteach that kind of thing. But through a series of events I became to believe that in a deep part of my soul. I fought that teaching. But over the last few years it took over again. I have to fight it again and push forward and know it is not true. I am worthy of love, of trust, of forgiveness. 

Psalm 103:11-12
11 For as the heavens are high above the earth,
So great is His mercy toward those who fear Him;
12 As far as the east is from the west,
So far has He removed our transgressions from us.

I can only work on the ones that I still have. I can only work on me and My relationship with GOD. I feel like that old song This little light of mine, I have been hiding out of shame, guilt and hurt. But I am a forgiven person, just trying to follow Christ. So as I work on this you hopefully will see a change. I have had a church that has seen me through the last couple of years of struggle. Today was their 5th anniversary, the Summary was Redeem, Restore, Reuse. I really identify with that. Jesus redeemed me, He is working on Restoring me through Catalyst . I know he has plans to Reuse my gifts and talents that I have shoved so deep I think I forgot some of them. Please be praying for my restoration, as I pray for yours. Also know if I call you friend, I take it seriously and I love you.

Those Answers to Prayers You Never Really Wanted

Praying is something I have always been pretty good at. I always talked to God openly. My fears, my concerns, for others, family, friends, needs and wants. I fully believe in Matthew 7:7-8:

“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened.




I know that many things and situations in my life have had God's protection and guidance because of prayer. My prayers and others praying for me. Here is where the problem comes. When you pray for things and people and it doesn't turn out how you planned. Five years ago I was praying everyday for my daughter, son in law and my grand daughter. I was worried for them. I had this worry for my daughter I couldn't explain, so I prayed. Lord protect her. I prayed Lord let your will be done. That is what we are suppose to pray for, right? I remember one night laying in bed just crying praying for my grandchild. Then November came, at 24 weeks Sarah was gone. Is that God's will, really. Well I don't like that will of God! How is this part of the plan. Prayer is suppose to make things better, right? Not always. Sometimes I know God has a different plan. We pray for "Gods will" based on his own Son's prayer. Matthew 26:36-42:




36 Then Jesus came with them to a place called Gethsemane, and said to the disciples,“Sit here while I go and pray over there.” 37 And He took with Him Peter and the two sons of Zebedee, and He began to be sorrowful and deeply distressed. 38 Then He said to them, “My soul is exceedingly sorrowful, even to death. Stay here and watch with Me.”

39 He went a little farther and fell on His face, and prayed, saying, “O My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as You will.”

40 Then He came to the disciples and found them sleeping, and said to Peter, “What! Could you not watch with Me one hour? 41 Watch and pray, lest you enter into temptation. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.”



42 Again, a second time, He went away and prayed, saying, “O My Father, if this cup cannot pass away from Me unless[a] I drink it, Your will be done.”




So I now struggle with hardcore specific prayer sometimes. I had another moment recently that prayer wasn't exactly answered the way I wanted. About a year ago my Son was having serious marital issues. So I pray for him and his wife. I started with basic prayers, Lord Heal their marriage, Be with my son, blah blah. One night I was just worried. They were having some marriage struggles again. I lay in bed again with tears rolling. I felt like I needed to be more specific in my prayer. I prayed that if they were gonna make that God would move in a big way to confirm this to them and me. Then I prayed, But Lord if it isn't suppose to work out please let it blow up so there is no question. I prayed for it to blow up, who does that. Things seemed to be going good. So I went back to normal prayers. But then, Wow, did I get what I asked for. It was bad and very explosive. Nothing could have prepared us for the hurt and anger that is coming from this. But I prayed for it.......I asked for this bad thing? No! I wasn't praying for bad things. I know these bad things were just happening.

I do not write this to discourage anyone from praying. I believe it is the most important part of your relationship with God. I write it to remind you that even though these did not turn out the way I wanted. I KNOW God has a plan that is bigger then my prayers. I will still pray specifically when ever I can. I believe joy will reenter my sons life. I have two beautiful grandsons and an amazing granddaughter that I get to hold here on earth. I do not have to understand God's ways to have faith in him. Keep praying! Pray for all situations, good bad, ugly!

Fear

I have realized the last few weeks, I have let fear control me for a while. Over a year ago I had some bad experiences that have left me questioning who I trust. I was hurt and so to protect myself, I curled into a ball and proceeded to shut everyone I could get away with out. Guess what, you cannot get into such a small tight ball that you are never hurt. I still have been hurt by people. I HAVE hurt people. I have said things and pushed people away. How do you come back from that. How do you put yourself back out there? Do you let the people who hurt you back in? Well I have decided to just let that happen as it happens. I have invited a few people to things. I have tried to go to others things. I probably will never trust the same way I used to. That is part of being adult. Which is highly over rated sometimes!! Oh to have the old faith still. I don't want to live in a curled up ball though. I am a person who has failed at a lot of things but I have also accomplished alot of things. I am just as messed up as others. No way perfect. I say the wrong things sometimes. I do the wrong things sometimes. But I am trying! Always trying. So I am determined to not live in fear. I know it is a little early but the end of the year is coming. This year I did only a few things I had planned because of this tight ball I was curled up in. A few weeks ago someone was talking about taking a word and making it your motto/cause for the year. So that is what I am still thinking about. What word I can use to get myself out of the bondage of my own fear. Fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of not being worthy, fear of being condemned by my past mistakes, Fear of failure. I know I said one of them twice I am most afraid of that.



Joshua 1:9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”


I need to remember this! I am working on it. Even trying to get back into church, even that I still carry large fears over. If you are a praying person please pray for me!

The Rest of the year.

The Rest of the year. Once I got home from all these travels. I finally decided it was time to go the hospital. I found out that I had a ruptured disk, between my L5 and L4 vertebrae. What were my options: surgery or lay on my right side until it heals…. I choose to lay on my side. So many people discouraged surgery, including the surgeon. He said he would have his own wife wait it out and only do it if after 6 months it wasn’t better. I spent the next few months laying on the couch. I was doing very little. The garden had died in the heat wave. Thankfully other than an occasional tomato or cucumber we harvested. I didn’t have to worry about it. By October I could feel my leg again. I was able to stop taking the nerve pills and the pain pills. It came time for Ariana to leave for Basic.

I felt as though I was losing Donnie all over again. She was this awesome connection between him and I. I also was going to officially be an empty nester once she left. Having her live with us had given me a bit of a break from that. We had our annual Halloween party, it was good.

I missed Donnie and Ariana though. November came with a pain and a bonus. My poor Rachel had to have surgery which wound up being much more invasive and painful than anyone expected! She really had a rough time. I helped as much as I could. Donnie was coming home for Thanksgiving!

It was so nice to have him here for the 72hr leave! Knowing in December both Donnie and Ariana would be home was great! I loved seeing them see each other at the airport! Now we have almost 2 weeks together!

December was all the normal holidays.

Watching my grandchildren open presents was so sweet. I love seeing Beth and Rachel as the wonderful mothers they are!

Donnie and Ariana were here to share them with us. That was an awesome way to end the year! I got to meet Ariana’s biological sister Katie.

That was a very special moment. So December was a massive whirlwind. The year of 2013 began with having to take them back to the Airport and say goodbye.

I took a few days and literally crashed, I was so sad. Looking back on 2012 I had some of the best most memorable days and some very difficult ones. I watched my children grow up, I hiked the North South trail, I took an amazing trip with all the ladies then with Ariana and my husband. So I can’t look back on 2012 with any regrets. I will not start this year that way either. I am looking at a new church, working out at the gym. I only have one major goal for this year. Get my health back!