Redeem Restore Reuse

So it has been a long time since I have written in here. I have had a rough couple of years. I have been much more angry over past and recent hurts than I wanted to admit. I also realized I was really damaged by these past hurts. Now if you think this post is about you. Then honestly decide if you owe me an apology. I do have some specific events in my thinking, But to the reality is this post is about a lot of different hurts and people. I even had been shutting my family and my main source of Strength GOD out of my life. I have been very basic in my posts. My heart just grew tired of naysayers. I like social media but it has been the cause of any hurt feelings. I am often accused of holding on to things and then blowing up. I do, do that. Why? I do that because deep down I do not want to hurt peoples feelings. I want to be liked and loved.
I have become a much quieter person. That is just not who I am though. It is not who I want to be. It is not who GOD made me to be. I let people take my joy.
So you can understand I will give you a simple example. I love wildlife and nature of all kinds. Wild plants interesting plants not your norm, I have a neighbor that does not like them. He complained all the time. So I didn't want my neighbor to be mad at me so I cut them all down and dosed my yard with chemicals I hate. Instead of creating a barrier so it wouldn't invade his yard. Well guess what, He still complains and I am left unhappy with my yard.
All of these little things and many big ones, trying to make others happy have left this part of me shut down.
I don't talk about my faith, my belief in miracles, my belief that God is working things out for us, even as we are screwing them up behind his work. I don't talk about the fact that when I took a picture of my grandchildren a few weeks ago I felt like Sarah and another baby was shining down from heaven on them. Why? someone will just tell me it was a ray of sunshine. Nope...
Don't misunderstand, I know I have also hurt people, left my mark of damage. For that I am sorry. I will never get some of those relationships back. I live with that. Some I don't know what I did, why? I wish I knew, I was taught a long time ago that I was unworthy of some peoples love. I wish you could unteach that kind of thing. But through a series of events I became to believe that in a deep part of my soul. I fought that teaching. But over the last few years it took over again. I have to fight it again and push forward and know it is not true. I am worthy of love, of trust, of forgiveness. 

Psalm 103:11-12
11 For as the heavens are high above the earth,
So great is His mercy toward those who fear Him;
12 As far as the east is from the west,
So far has He removed our transgressions from us.

I can only work on the ones that I still have. I can only work on me and My relationship with GOD. I feel like that old song This little light of mine, I have been hiding out of shame, guilt and hurt. But I am a forgiven person, just trying to follow Christ. So as I work on this you hopefully will see a change. I have had a church that has seen me through the last couple of years of struggle. Today was their 5th anniversary, the Summary was Redeem, Restore, Reuse. I really identify with that. Jesus redeemed me, He is working on Restoring me through Catalyst . I know he has plans to Reuse my gifts and talents that I have shoved so deep I think I forgot some of them. Please be praying for my restoration, as I pray for yours. Also know if I call you friend, I take it seriously and I love you.

End of year Assesment

Well as we come to the close of 2013, I am unsure how I feel. You could say I have had the worst year. But the problem is that is not true either. I have had some serious lows but had some real highs also. I can say for buying an inflatable kayak was a major high! Leading to the buying of a full size hard core kayak!!

I can also say seeing myself in Christmas pictures was a major low! I refused to delete them although posting them was hard. Sometimes I guess you need to see exactly where you are!

This body just doesn't match how I feel on the inside. So this is not about a New Years resolution. I must fix this! I do not want to injure myself doing the things I love! So I guess this is what I must focus on. I know it seems boring. But to make the dreams of my future come true I can NOT be miss tubby! So how do you guys take care of yourselves. What do you do to get your health back? I am not an indoorsy kind of girl. I need my body to match my mind and spirit! 

Fear

I have realized the last few weeks, I have let fear control me for a while. Over a year ago I had some bad experiences that have left me questioning who I trust. I was hurt and so to protect myself, I curled into a ball and proceeded to shut everyone I could get away with out. Guess what, you cannot get into such a small tight ball that you are never hurt. I still have been hurt by people. I HAVE hurt people. I have said things and pushed people away. How do you come back from that. How do you put yourself back out there? Do you let the people who hurt you back in? Well I have decided to just let that happen as it happens. I have invited a few people to things. I have tried to go to others things. I probably will never trust the same way I used to. That is part of being adult. Which is highly over rated sometimes!! Oh to have the old faith still. I don't want to live in a curled up ball though. I am a person who has failed at a lot of things but I have also accomplished alot of things. I am just as messed up as others. No way perfect. I say the wrong things sometimes. I do the wrong things sometimes. But I am trying! Always trying. So I am determined to not live in fear. I know it is a little early but the end of the year is coming. This year I did only a few things I had planned because of this tight ball I was curled up in. A few weeks ago someone was talking about taking a word and making it your motto/cause for the year. So that is what I am still thinking about. What word I can use to get myself out of the bondage of my own fear. Fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of not being worthy, fear of being condemned by my past mistakes, Fear of failure. I know I said one of them twice I am most afraid of that.



Joshua 1:9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”


I need to remember this! I am working on it. Even trying to get back into church, even that I still carry large fears over. If you are a praying person please pray for me!