Redeem Restore Reuse

So it has been a long time since I have written in here. I have had a rough couple of years. I have been much more angry over past and recent hurts than I wanted to admit. I also realized I was really damaged by these past hurts. Now if you think this post is about you. Then honestly decide if you owe me an apology. I do have some specific events in my thinking, But to the reality is this post is about a lot of different hurts and people. I even had been shutting my family and my main source of Strength GOD out of my life. I have been very basic in my posts. My heart just grew tired of naysayers. I like social media but it has been the cause of any hurt feelings. I am often accused of holding on to things and then blowing up. I do, do that. Why? I do that because deep down I do not want to hurt peoples feelings. I want to be liked and loved.
I have become a much quieter person. That is just not who I am though. It is not who I want to be. It is not who GOD made me to be. I let people take my joy.
So you can understand I will give you a simple example. I love wildlife and nature of all kinds. Wild plants interesting plants not your norm, I have a neighbor that does not like them. He complained all the time. So I didn't want my neighbor to be mad at me so I cut them all down and dosed my yard with chemicals I hate. Instead of creating a barrier so it wouldn't invade his yard. Well guess what, He still complains and I am left unhappy with my yard.
All of these little things and many big ones, trying to make others happy have left this part of me shut down.
I don't talk about my faith, my belief in miracles, my belief that God is working things out for us, even as we are screwing them up behind his work. I don't talk about the fact that when I took a picture of my grandchildren a few weeks ago I felt like Sarah and another baby was shining down from heaven on them. Why? someone will just tell me it was a ray of sunshine. Nope...
Don't misunderstand, I know I have also hurt people, left my mark of damage. For that I am sorry. I will never get some of those relationships back. I live with that. Some I don't know what I did, why? I wish I knew, I was taught a long time ago that I was unworthy of some peoples love. I wish you could unteach that kind of thing. But through a series of events I became to believe that in a deep part of my soul. I fought that teaching. But over the last few years it took over again. I have to fight it again and push forward and know it is not true. I am worthy of love, of trust, of forgiveness. 

Psalm 103:11-12
11 For as the heavens are high above the earth,
So great is His mercy toward those who fear Him;
12 As far as the east is from the west,
So far has He removed our transgressions from us.

I can only work on the ones that I still have. I can only work on me and My relationship with GOD. I feel like that old song This little light of mine, I have been hiding out of shame, guilt and hurt. But I am a forgiven person, just trying to follow Christ. So as I work on this you hopefully will see a change. I have had a church that has seen me through the last couple of years of struggle. Today was their 5th anniversary, the Summary was Redeem, Restore, Reuse. I really identify with that. Jesus redeemed me, He is working on Restoring me through Catalyst . I know he has plans to Reuse my gifts and talents that I have shoved so deep I think I forgot some of them. Please be praying for my restoration, as I pray for yours. Also know if I call you friend, I take it seriously and I love you.

2014 Done, 2015 Bring it on!!

      

As 2015 begins, I believe it is important to look back and acknowledge our successes and failures. Learn from them and move on to the next chapter. 2014 was a year of great ups and downs. I reignited a friendship that had been hurt. I became more involved in my new church. With some past hurts from church people this was pretty hard for me. I still have not fully allowed myself to let go and really enjoy the possibility of new friends. I am still incredibly guarded. I lost people this year. More then I wish to suicide. That really breaks my heart. I know how it feels to be that low, but I don't ever want to cause that kind of pain to others.


I had an amazing beginning to the summer vacation time. Kayaked on the lakes. It was AMAZING!! Look at the smile!!












But then I looked at my tummy and was very unhappy...


At the end of that time I also witnessed my son's life explode. It is the hardest thing to watch your child hurt. I have been happy to see him recover. It was pretty hard though.


After vacation I decided time to deal with my weight. I went to the doctor to set up a plan. I lost 25 lbs! Yay! Finally under 200. Shortly after this I further injured my back. Requiring this time that I get the surgery. Emotionally it took a toll. But physically I am feeling better. I just still have to take my time to rebuild muscle and strength in my back. I maintained my weight loss under 200.




I embarked on some things on the house to try new ideas to really organize it, they have been great. I have never kept a really neat home. But not terrible either. Now I am looking to take it a step further. Where things are neater then ever before.


2014 also included some very unwelcomed medical news for family. We ended the year with cancer, infections, and many other maladies in my extended family. My brother even having hyperbaric chamber treatments!! How crazy is that! We really can't do anything to change any of those. But we can decide to continue to lean into being healthy! Which IS my plan!

Also not on list is to get my garden going again this year!!



So here are the basics for the New Year Goals.


Do Daily Bible studies


Track Eating to continue to lose weight
Hike 2x's a month
Kayak 2-3x's a month once water temp rises to 50 degrees
Continue organizing my home
I would love to have people join me for hikes! I have maps of many local trails. Some I have walked already others I have not.

Those Answers to Prayers You Never Really Wanted

Praying is something I have always been pretty good at. I always talked to God openly. My fears, my concerns, for others, family, friends, needs and wants. I fully believe in Matthew 7:7-8:

“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened.




I know that many things and situations in my life have had God's protection and guidance because of prayer. My prayers and others praying for me. Here is where the problem comes. When you pray for things and people and it doesn't turn out how you planned. Five years ago I was praying everyday for my daughter, son in law and my grand daughter. I was worried for them. I had this worry for my daughter I couldn't explain, so I prayed. Lord protect her. I prayed Lord let your will be done. That is what we are suppose to pray for, right? I remember one night laying in bed just crying praying for my grandchild. Then November came, at 24 weeks Sarah was gone. Is that God's will, really. Well I don't like that will of God! How is this part of the plan. Prayer is suppose to make things better, right? Not always. Sometimes I know God has a different plan. We pray for "Gods will" based on his own Son's prayer. Matthew 26:36-42:




36 Then Jesus came with them to a place called Gethsemane, and said to the disciples,“Sit here while I go and pray over there.” 37 And He took with Him Peter and the two sons of Zebedee, and He began to be sorrowful and deeply distressed. 38 Then He said to them, “My soul is exceedingly sorrowful, even to death. Stay here and watch with Me.”

39 He went a little farther and fell on His face, and prayed, saying, “O My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as You will.”

40 Then He came to the disciples and found them sleeping, and said to Peter, “What! Could you not watch with Me one hour? 41 Watch and pray, lest you enter into temptation. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.”



42 Again, a second time, He went away and prayed, saying, “O My Father, if this cup cannot pass away from Me unless[a] I drink it, Your will be done.”




So I now struggle with hardcore specific prayer sometimes. I had another moment recently that prayer wasn't exactly answered the way I wanted. About a year ago my Son was having serious marital issues. So I pray for him and his wife. I started with basic prayers, Lord Heal their marriage, Be with my son, blah blah. One night I was just worried. They were having some marriage struggles again. I lay in bed again with tears rolling. I felt like I needed to be more specific in my prayer. I prayed that if they were gonna make that God would move in a big way to confirm this to them and me. Then I prayed, But Lord if it isn't suppose to work out please let it blow up so there is no question. I prayed for it to blow up, who does that. Things seemed to be going good. So I went back to normal prayers. But then, Wow, did I get what I asked for. It was bad and very explosive. Nothing could have prepared us for the hurt and anger that is coming from this. But I prayed for it.......I asked for this bad thing? No! I wasn't praying for bad things. I know these bad things were just happening.

I do not write this to discourage anyone from praying. I believe it is the most important part of your relationship with God. I write it to remind you that even though these did not turn out the way I wanted. I KNOW God has a plan that is bigger then my prayers. I will still pray specifically when ever I can. I believe joy will reenter my sons life. I have two beautiful grandsons and an amazing granddaughter that I get to hold here on earth. I do not have to understand God's ways to have faith in him. Keep praying! Pray for all situations, good bad, ugly!

the Worst

I hate when I mess things up. When there is no one to blame but myself. It would be nice if blame could fall on someone else. It can't I must be accountable to myself. Right now I stink at being the best me there is...

Kayaking

We went to Hovey Lake to kayak today. I am so happy we bought them. Spending time on the water just seems to center my soul. Being outside is something no pill can give you. I really can not wait to get on Kentucky Lake.

Grand daughter

I realized I haven't posted in a long time including the fact I now have a beautiful Grabndbaby Girl!!
She is so precious! She is about to start walking now and is so big already! Faye

Joy how I lost it, Time to Take it back!

What is your Joy? Have you lost your joy? What can you do to find your Joy? What is Joy? The definition is: a feeling of great pleasure and happiness. I have known for a while I lost my joy. Here is the problem though. In my own weakness I really didn't lose it. I gave it away. I wrapped it in neat little boxes and handed it to undeserving people. How did I do that. I opened my ears to the negativity of others. I didn't just listen to it, I wallowed in it. I became angry from it. I let it take root in my heart. I walked away from everything I knew.
   In allowing it to take root in my heart, I started to not even just believe the negative things people were saying about me. I believed what people were saying about others. I allowed a major argumentative spirit into my life. I didn't trust any one.
  I also have allowed my self speak to strip any other joy I have. If you think I have been harsh to others, oh how I speak to myself smashes my joy. Blocks out the sun and the stars and the moon. I stomp on my own joy.
   I am ready to take it back though. It started this past summer, realizing who I am and who I am not. I had put myself on this perfection pedestal. If I wasn't perfect then I was nothing. Well I am not perfect, but I am worthy of love, of friendship, of JOY! Not just oh yeah things are good. But my life to be joyous! To wake up full of pleasure to get the day started! No more giving my joy away to anyone. There is a difference in sharing your joy and giving it away. I want to share my joys!
   I want to open my home, my heart, my mind to sharing my joy!
My joys are found in Worshiping God, in My husband who is awesome! I have 3 cool kids with 3 cool spouses. I have 3 amazing grandkids, I have an angel (Sarah) watching us all.   I have a body that works and a mind that is learning everyday. So no more living with out JOY!  

End of year Assesment

Well as we come to the close of 2013, I am unsure how I feel. You could say I have had the worst year. But the problem is that is not true either. I have had some serious lows but had some real highs also. I can say for buying an inflatable kayak was a major high! Leading to the buying of a full size hard core kayak!!

I can also say seeing myself in Christmas pictures was a major low! I refused to delete them although posting them was hard. Sometimes I guess you need to see exactly where you are!

This body just doesn't match how I feel on the inside. So this is not about a New Years resolution. I must fix this! I do not want to injure myself doing the things I love! So I guess this is what I must focus on. I know it seems boring. But to make the dreams of my future come true I can NOT be miss tubby! So how do you guys take care of yourselves. What do you do to get your health back? I am not an indoorsy kind of girl. I need my body to match my mind and spirit! 

Fear

I have realized the last few weeks, I have let fear control me for a while. Over a year ago I had some bad experiences that have left me questioning who I trust. I was hurt and so to protect myself, I curled into a ball and proceeded to shut everyone I could get away with out. Guess what, you cannot get into such a small tight ball that you are never hurt. I still have been hurt by people. I HAVE hurt people. I have said things and pushed people away. How do you come back from that. How do you put yourself back out there? Do you let the people who hurt you back in? Well I have decided to just let that happen as it happens. I have invited a few people to things. I have tried to go to others things. I probably will never trust the same way I used to. That is part of being adult. Which is highly over rated sometimes!! Oh to have the old faith still. I don't want to live in a curled up ball though. I am a person who has failed at a lot of things but I have also accomplished alot of things. I am just as messed up as others. No way perfect. I say the wrong things sometimes. I do the wrong things sometimes. But I am trying! Always trying. So I am determined to not live in fear. I know it is a little early but the end of the year is coming. This year I did only a few things I had planned because of this tight ball I was curled up in. A few weeks ago someone was talking about taking a word and making it your motto/cause for the year. So that is what I am still thinking about. What word I can use to get myself out of the bondage of my own fear. Fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of not being worthy, fear of being condemned by my past mistakes, Fear of failure. I know I said one of them twice I am most afraid of that.



Joshua 1:9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”


I need to remember this! I am working on it. Even trying to get back into church, even that I still carry large fears over. If you are a praying person please pray for me!

Well today was a quick, nice walk. I did the USI/Burdette trail. I did one direction only. I will go back and walk the little nub to the lake. Today I was dropped off at USI trailhead and made quick work of the walk. Mindy went with me. It is kind of a congested trail. There were lots of walkers, runners and bikers! I don't mind that. I wonder in the early morning how it would be, to watch/see animals.