End of year Assesment

Well as we come to the close of 2013, I am unsure how I feel. You could say I have had the worst year. But the problem is that is not true either. I have had some serious lows but had some real highs also. I can say for buying an inflatable kayak was a major high! Leading to the buying of a full size hard core kayak!!

I can also say seeing myself in Christmas pictures was a major low! I refused to delete them although posting them was hard. Sometimes I guess you need to see exactly where you are!

This body just doesn't match how I feel on the inside. So this is not about a New Years resolution. I must fix this! I do not want to injure myself doing the things I love! So I guess this is what I must focus on. I know it seems boring. But to make the dreams of my future come true I can NOT be miss tubby! So how do you guys take care of yourselves. What do you do to get your health back? I am not an indoorsy kind of girl. I need my body to match my mind and spirit! 

Fear

I have realized the last few weeks, I have let fear control me for a while. Over a year ago I had some bad experiences that have left me questioning who I trust. I was hurt and so to protect myself, I curled into a ball and proceeded to shut everyone I could get away with out. Guess what, you cannot get into such a small tight ball that you are never hurt. I still have been hurt by people. I HAVE hurt people. I have said things and pushed people away. How do you come back from that. How do you put yourself back out there? Do you let the people who hurt you back in? Well I have decided to just let that happen as it happens. I have invited a few people to things. I have tried to go to others things. I probably will never trust the same way I used to. That is part of being adult. Which is highly over rated sometimes!! Oh to have the old faith still. I don't want to live in a curled up ball though. I am a person who has failed at a lot of things but I have also accomplished alot of things. I am just as messed up as others. No way perfect. I say the wrong things sometimes. I do the wrong things sometimes. But I am trying! Always trying. So I am determined to not live in fear. I know it is a little early but the end of the year is coming. This year I did only a few things I had planned because of this tight ball I was curled up in. A few weeks ago someone was talking about taking a word and making it your motto/cause for the year. So that is what I am still thinking about. What word I can use to get myself out of the bondage of my own fear. Fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of not being worthy, fear of being condemned by my past mistakes, Fear of failure. I know I said one of them twice I am most afraid of that.



Joshua 1:9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”


I need to remember this! I am working on it. Even trying to get back into church, even that I still carry large fears over. If you are a praying person please pray for me!

Well today was a quick, nice walk. I did the USI/Burdette trail. I did one direction only. I will go back and walk the little nub to the lake. Today I was dropped off at USI trailhead and made quick work of the walk. Mindy went with me. It is kind of a congested trail. There were lots of walkers, runners and bikers! I don't mind that. I wonder in the early morning how it would be, to watch/see animals.

The Rest of the year.

The Rest of the year. Once I got home from all these travels. I finally decided it was time to go the hospital. I found out that I had a ruptured disk, between my L5 and L4 vertebrae. What were my options: surgery or lay on my right side until it heals…. I choose to lay on my side. So many people discouraged surgery, including the surgeon. He said he would have his own wife wait it out and only do it if after 6 months it wasn’t better. I spent the next few months laying on the couch. I was doing very little. The garden had died in the heat wave. Thankfully other than an occasional tomato or cucumber we harvested. I didn’t have to worry about it. By October I could feel my leg again. I was able to stop taking the nerve pills and the pain pills. It came time for Ariana to leave for Basic.

I felt as though I was losing Donnie all over again. She was this awesome connection between him and I. I also was going to officially be an empty nester once she left. Having her live with us had given me a bit of a break from that. We had our annual Halloween party, it was good.

I missed Donnie and Ariana though. November came with a pain and a bonus. My poor Rachel had to have surgery which wound up being much more invasive and painful than anyone expected! She really had a rough time. I helped as much as I could. Donnie was coming home for Thanksgiving!

It was so nice to have him here for the 72hr leave! Knowing in December both Donnie and Ariana would be home was great! I loved seeing them see each other at the airport! Now we have almost 2 weeks together!

December was all the normal holidays.

Watching my grandchildren open presents was so sweet. I love seeing Beth and Rachel as the wonderful mothers they are!

Donnie and Ariana were here to share them with us. That was an awesome way to end the year! I got to meet Ariana’s biological sister Katie.

That was a very special moment. So December was a massive whirlwind. The year of 2013 began with having to take them back to the Airport and say goodbye.

I took a few days and literally crashed, I was so sad. Looking back on 2012 I had some of the best most memorable days and some very difficult ones. I watched my children grow up, I hiked the North South trail, I took an amazing trip with all the ladies then with Ariana and my husband. So I can’t look back on 2012 with any regrets. I will not start this year that way either. I am looking at a new church, working out at the gym. I only have one major goal for this year. Get my health back!

Fort Gordon, end of trip

Fort Gordon I was finally on really strong pain medicine so, I actually do not remember much. I slept a lot! But there were a few fun stories. We went to the largest Wal-mart I have ever been to! I walked in and had them get me a wheelchair, when I looked down the front isle I could not see the other side. It was redneckville for sure. As they were checking out I went on out to the car. These people were fighting in the parking lot. It was very scary.

We had a Waffle house in the parking lot of the Hotel.

So we ate there everyday! Since this was kind of last minute part of the trip we had not arranged a hotel so we were in a cheap hotel. It had a tub with jets. I thought that would feel really nice on my back but I was so nervous about it being gross I made them go buy a bottle of bleach. I filled the tub and poured almost the whole bottle into it and ran it for about five minutes. I then had to wait for more hot water to get a bath. After all that work, it did not feel good on my back….. I know we went and saw a movie, Batman.

We went to the PX ( post exchange…Walmart, Target type store on the base. I was so happy just to see Donnie’s face! I loved seeing him with his father and with his wife. It felt as though I was watching the trip from the outside. Finally the day came we had to give him back. I just wanted to get it done and go home. My emotions were such a mess. I had been so happy and had such fun. And now was so sad to give him back and in such pain. So this whole trip was the best and worse trip! Once we had dropped Donnie off, we all decided lets just go.

We loaded up the car and Don drove the entire 9 hours straight home. I felt so bad. This trip we had always planned on sharing the driving. That did not happen. He had to drive the whole time. The end to a wonderful, fun, exciting, tremendous, terrible, sad painful trip!

Graduation day Aug 2 2012

Day 6 August 2 Graduation day We are all so anxious to get back to the National Infantry Museum, this is where Donnie’s graduation is at. I worked hard to get ready. I hurt so much and could barely think on the meds. We arrive and thankfully we see that the tram is running. I had started to walk back to the parade field but oh it hurt so much. Ariana stopped the tram for me, my pride didn’t want to ride but I did. We sat in anxious seats waiting to see the guys. We could see them lining up across the huge field. Knowing he was there was so crazy I wanted to run across and see him so much. The Leaders came out and did the initial announcements. We watched the band come across the field Then you hear some guns going off and see some smoke bomb/flares go off. Out of the smoke came 8 guys with their weapons in hand.

We got to see all the weapons that the guys got to use in basic and what they will use if they are deployed. It was really cool to watch these young men come out of the smoke to us. Then here come our guys! The came across the field and we searched the crowd for Donnie. We could barley make him out. Finally the haze of graduation ended but we had to get back to the front of the Museum to see him! We came around the corner and I saw him see me! Araina didn’t quite see him yet.

I looked back and saw that precious moment when she did, Her face lit up and they got their first hug in months. I was so proud of Donnie we all got pretty misty eyed! No, I cried like a baby, with a big smile on my face! Donnie’s first wish, Wendy’s not sure why it was so important but we found the first one we could! Had lunch just smiling away!

Once we got back to the hotel…oh yeah got to go there. Don went to the store to window shop and I left to go swimming! After a while in the pool I had to text Beth. Should I text them? Should I call them? Should I just go back to the room. We were all sharing a room…… It was so hard being on the amount of medicine I was on.

We took him back got to see many of the parents and said good bye again…. Back at the hotel, we made reservations for the next stop. Fort Gordon, Ga. Now here is the issue. We had no idea if we would be allowed to see Donnie once he got there. Rumors abounded as to whether they would get leave that weekend or not. So we drove another 4 hrs to hopefully get a little more time with our son and Ariana with her husband……