So it has been a long time since I have written in here. I have had a rough couple of years. I have been much more angry over past and recent hurts than I wanted to admit. I also realized I was really damaged by these past hurts. Now if you think this post is about you. Then honestly decide if you owe me an apology. I do have some specific events in my thinking, But to the reality is this post is about a lot of different hurts and people. I even had been shutting my family and my main source of Strength GOD out of my life. I have been very basic in my posts. My heart just grew tired of naysayers. I like social media but it has been the cause of any hurt feelings. I am often accused of holding on to things and then blowing up. I do, do that. Why? I do that because deep down I do not want to hurt peoples feelings. I want to be liked and loved.
I have become a much quieter person. That is just not who I am though. It is not who I want to be. It is not who GOD made me to be. I let people take my joy.
So you can understand I will give you a simple example. I love wildlife and nature of all kinds. Wild plants interesting plants not your norm, I have a neighbor that does not like them. He complained all the time. So I didn't want my neighbor to be mad at me so I cut them all down and dosed my yard with chemicals I hate. Instead of creating a barrier so it wouldn't invade his yard. Well guess what, He still complains and I am left unhappy with my yard.
All of these little things and many big ones, trying to make others happy have left this part of me shut down.
I don't talk about my faith, my belief in miracles, my belief that God is working things out for us, even as we are screwing them up behind his work. I don't talk about the fact that when I took a picture of my grandchildren a few weeks ago I felt like Sarah and another baby was shining down from heaven on them. Why? someone will just tell me it was a ray of sunshine. Nope...
Don't misunderstand, I know I have also hurt people, left my mark of damage. For that I am sorry. I will never get some of those relationships back. I live with that. Some I don't know what I did, why? I wish I knew, I was taught a long time ago that I was unworthy of some peoples love. I wish you could unteach that kind of thing. But through a series of events I became to believe that in a deep part of my soul. I fought that teaching. But over the last few years it took over again. I have to fight it again and push forward and know it is not true. I am worthy of love, of trust, of forgiveness.
Psalm 103:11-12
11 For as the heavens are high above the earth,
So great is His mercy toward those who fear Him;
12 As far as the east is from the west,
So far has He removed our transgressions from us.
11 For as the heavens are high above the earth,
So great is His mercy toward those who fear Him;
12 As far as the east is from the west,
So far has He removed our transgressions from us.
I can only work on the ones that I still have. I can only work on me and My relationship with GOD. I feel like that old song This little light of mine, I have been hiding out of shame, guilt and hurt. But I am a forgiven person, just trying to follow Christ. So as I work on this you hopefully will see a change. I have had a church that has seen me through the last couple of years of struggle. Today was their 5th anniversary, the Summary was Redeem, Restore, Reuse. I really identify with that. Jesus redeemed me, He is working on Restoring me through Catalyst . I know he has plans to Reuse my gifts and talents that I have shoved so deep I think I forgot some of them. Please be praying for my restoration, as I pray for yours. Also know if I call you friend, I take it seriously and I love you.
