Sunday, February 28, 2016

Redeem Restore Reuse

So it has been a long time since I have written in here. I have had a rough couple of years. I have been much more angry over past and recent hurts than I wanted to admit. I also realized I was really damaged by these past hurts. Now if you think this post is about you. Then honestly decide if you owe me an apology. I do have some specific events in my thinking, But to the reality is this post is about a lot of different hurts and people. I even had been shutting my family and my main source of Strength GOD out of my life. I have been very basic in my posts. My heart just grew tired of naysayers. I like social media but it has been the cause of any hurt feelings. I am often accused of holding on to things and then blowing up. I do, do that. Why? I do that because deep down I do not want to hurt peoples feelings. I want to be liked and loved.
I have become a much quieter person. That is just not who I am though. It is not who I want to be. It is not who GOD made me to be. I let people take my joy.
So you can understand I will give you a simple example. I love wildlife and nature of all kinds. Wild plants interesting plants not your norm, I have a neighbor that does not like them. He complained all the time. So I didn't want my neighbor to be mad at me so I cut them all down and dosed my yard with chemicals I hate. Instead of creating a barrier so it wouldn't invade his yard. Well guess what, He still complains and I am left unhappy with my yard.
All of these little things and many big ones, trying to make others happy have left this part of me shut down.
I don't talk about my faith, my belief in miracles, my belief that God is working things out for us, even as we are screwing them up behind his work. I don't talk about the fact that when I took a picture of my grandchildren a few weeks ago I felt like Sarah and another baby was shining down from heaven on them. Why? someone will just tell me it was a ray of sunshine. Nope...
Don't misunderstand, I know I have also hurt people, left my mark of damage. For that I am sorry. I will never get some of those relationships back. I live with that. Some I don't know what I did, why? I wish I knew, I was taught a long time ago that I was unworthy of some peoples love. I wish you could unteach that kind of thing. But through a series of events I became to believe that in a deep part of my soul. I fought that teaching. But over the last few years it took over again. I have to fight it again and push forward and know it is not true. I am worthy of love, of trust, of forgiveness. 

Psalm 103:11-12
11 For as the heavens are high above the earth,
So great is His mercy toward those who fear Him;
12 As far as the east is from the west,
So far has He removed our transgressions from us.

I can only work on the ones that I still have. I can only work on me and My relationship with GOD. I feel like that old song This little light of mine, I have been hiding out of shame, guilt and hurt. But I am a forgiven person, just trying to follow Christ. So as I work on this you hopefully will see a change. I have had a church that has seen me through the last couple of years of struggle. Today was their 5th anniversary, the Summary was Redeem, Restore, Reuse. I really identify with that. Jesus redeemed me, He is working on Restoring me through Catalyst . I know he has plans to Reuse my gifts and talents that I have shoved so deep I think I forgot some of them. Please be praying for my restoration, as I pray for yours. Also know if I call you friend, I take it seriously and I love you.