Those Answers to Prayers You Never Really Wanted

Praying is something I have always been pretty good at. I always talked to God openly. My fears, my concerns, for others, family, friends, needs and wants. I fully believe in Matthew 7:7-8:

“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened.




I know that many things and situations in my life have had God's protection and guidance because of prayer. My prayers and others praying for me. Here is where the problem comes. When you pray for things and people and it doesn't turn out how you planned. Five years ago I was praying everyday for my daughter, son in law and my grand daughter. I was worried for them. I had this worry for my daughter I couldn't explain, so I prayed. Lord protect her. I prayed Lord let your will be done. That is what we are suppose to pray for, right? I remember one night laying in bed just crying praying for my grandchild. Then November came, at 24 weeks Sarah was gone. Is that God's will, really. Well I don't like that will of God! How is this part of the plan. Prayer is suppose to make things better, right? Not always. Sometimes I know God has a different plan. We pray for "Gods will" based on his own Son's prayer. Matthew 26:36-42:




36 Then Jesus came with them to a place called Gethsemane, and said to the disciples,“Sit here while I go and pray over there.” 37 And He took with Him Peter and the two sons of Zebedee, and He began to be sorrowful and deeply distressed. 38 Then He said to them, “My soul is exceedingly sorrowful, even to death. Stay here and watch with Me.”

39 He went a little farther and fell on His face, and prayed, saying, “O My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as You will.”

40 Then He came to the disciples and found them sleeping, and said to Peter, “What! Could you not watch with Me one hour? 41 Watch and pray, lest you enter into temptation. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.”



42 Again, a second time, He went away and prayed, saying, “O My Father, if this cup cannot pass away from Me unless[a] I drink it, Your will be done.”




So I now struggle with hardcore specific prayer sometimes. I had another moment recently that prayer wasn't exactly answered the way I wanted. About a year ago my Son was having serious marital issues. So I pray for him and his wife. I started with basic prayers, Lord Heal their marriage, Be with my son, blah blah. One night I was just worried. They were having some marriage struggles again. I lay in bed again with tears rolling. I felt like I needed to be more specific in my prayer. I prayed that if they were gonna make that God would move in a big way to confirm this to them and me. Then I prayed, But Lord if it isn't suppose to work out please let it blow up so there is no question. I prayed for it to blow up, who does that. Things seemed to be going good. So I went back to normal prayers. But then, Wow, did I get what I asked for. It was bad and very explosive. Nothing could have prepared us for the hurt and anger that is coming from this. But I prayed for it.......I asked for this bad thing? No! I wasn't praying for bad things. I know these bad things were just happening.

I do not write this to discourage anyone from praying. I believe it is the most important part of your relationship with God. I write it to remind you that even though these did not turn out the way I wanted. I KNOW God has a plan that is bigger then my prayers. I will still pray specifically when ever I can. I believe joy will reenter my sons life. I have two beautiful grandsons and an amazing granddaughter that I get to hold here on earth. I do not have to understand God's ways to have faith in him. Keep praying! Pray for all situations, good bad, ugly!

the Worst

I hate when I mess things up. When there is no one to blame but myself. It would be nice if blame could fall on someone else. It can't I must be accountable to myself. Right now I stink at being the best me there is...

Kayaking

We went to Hovey Lake to kayak today. I am so happy we bought them. Spending time on the water just seems to center my soul. Being outside is something no pill can give you. I really can not wait to get on Kentucky Lake.

Grand daughter

I realized I haven't posted in a long time including the fact I now have a beautiful Grabndbaby Girl!!
She is so precious! She is about to start walking now and is so big already! Faye

Joy how I lost it, Time to Take it back!

What is your Joy? Have you lost your joy? What can you do to find your Joy? What is Joy? The definition is: a feeling of great pleasure and happiness. I have known for a while I lost my joy. Here is the problem though. In my own weakness I really didn't lose it. I gave it away. I wrapped it in neat little boxes and handed it to undeserving people. How did I do that. I opened my ears to the negativity of others. I didn't just listen to it, I wallowed in it. I became angry from it. I let it take root in my heart. I walked away from everything I knew.
   In allowing it to take root in my heart, I started to not even just believe the negative things people were saying about me. I believed what people were saying about others. I allowed a major argumentative spirit into my life. I didn't trust any one.
  I also have allowed my self speak to strip any other joy I have. If you think I have been harsh to others, oh how I speak to myself smashes my joy. Blocks out the sun and the stars and the moon. I stomp on my own joy.
   I am ready to take it back though. It started this past summer, realizing who I am and who I am not. I had put myself on this perfection pedestal. If I wasn't perfect then I was nothing. Well I am not perfect, but I am worthy of love, of friendship, of JOY! Not just oh yeah things are good. But my life to be joyous! To wake up full of pleasure to get the day started! No more giving my joy away to anyone. There is a difference in sharing your joy and giving it away. I want to share my joys!
   I want to open my home, my heart, my mind to sharing my joy!
My joys are found in Worshiping God, in My husband who is awesome! I have 3 cool kids with 3 cool spouses. I have 3 amazing grandkids, I have an angel (Sarah) watching us all.   I have a body that works and a mind that is learning everyday. So no more living with out JOY!  

End of year Assesment

Well as we come to the close of 2013, I am unsure how I feel. You could say I have had the worst year. But the problem is that is not true either. I have had some serious lows but had some real highs also. I can say for buying an inflatable kayak was a major high! Leading to the buying of a full size hard core kayak!!

I can also say seeing myself in Christmas pictures was a major low! I refused to delete them although posting them was hard. Sometimes I guess you need to see exactly where you are!

This body just doesn't match how I feel on the inside. So this is not about a New Years resolution. I must fix this! I do not want to injure myself doing the things I love! So I guess this is what I must focus on. I know it seems boring. But to make the dreams of my future come true I can NOT be miss tubby! So how do you guys take care of yourselves. What do you do to get your health back? I am not an indoorsy kind of girl. I need my body to match my mind and spirit! 

Fear

I have realized the last few weeks, I have let fear control me for a while. Over a year ago I had some bad experiences that have left me questioning who I trust. I was hurt and so to protect myself, I curled into a ball and proceeded to shut everyone I could get away with out. Guess what, you cannot get into such a small tight ball that you are never hurt. I still have been hurt by people. I HAVE hurt people. I have said things and pushed people away. How do you come back from that. How do you put yourself back out there? Do you let the people who hurt you back in? Well I have decided to just let that happen as it happens. I have invited a few people to things. I have tried to go to others things. I probably will never trust the same way I used to. That is part of being adult. Which is highly over rated sometimes!! Oh to have the old faith still. I don't want to live in a curled up ball though. I am a person who has failed at a lot of things but I have also accomplished alot of things. I am just as messed up as others. No way perfect. I say the wrong things sometimes. I do the wrong things sometimes. But I am trying! Always trying. So I am determined to not live in fear. I know it is a little early but the end of the year is coming. This year I did only a few things I had planned because of this tight ball I was curled up in. A few weeks ago someone was talking about taking a word and making it your motto/cause for the year. So that is what I am still thinking about. What word I can use to get myself out of the bondage of my own fear. Fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of not being worthy, fear of being condemned by my past mistakes, Fear of failure. I know I said one of them twice I am most afraid of that.



Joshua 1:9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”


I need to remember this! I am working on it. Even trying to get back into church, even that I still carry large fears over. If you are a praying person please pray for me!

Well today was a quick, nice walk. I did the USI/Burdette trail. I did one direction only. I will go back and walk the little nub to the lake. Today I was dropped off at USI trailhead and made quick work of the walk. Mindy went with me. It is kind of a congested trail. There were lots of walkers, runners and bikers! I don't mind that. I wonder in the early morning how it would be, to watch/see animals.

The Rest of the year.

The Rest of the year. Once I got home from all these travels. I finally decided it was time to go the hospital. I found out that I had a ruptured disk, between my L5 and L4 vertebrae. What were my options: surgery or lay on my right side until it heals…. I choose to lay on my side. So many people discouraged surgery, including the surgeon. He said he would have his own wife wait it out and only do it if after 6 months it wasn’t better. I spent the next few months laying on the couch. I was doing very little. The garden had died in the heat wave. Thankfully other than an occasional tomato or cucumber we harvested. I didn’t have to worry about it. By October I could feel my leg again. I was able to stop taking the nerve pills and the pain pills. It came time for Ariana to leave for Basic.

I felt as though I was losing Donnie all over again. She was this awesome connection between him and I. I also was going to officially be an empty nester once she left. Having her live with us had given me a bit of a break from that. We had our annual Halloween party, it was good.

I missed Donnie and Ariana though. November came with a pain and a bonus. My poor Rachel had to have surgery which wound up being much more invasive and painful than anyone expected! She really had a rough time. I helped as much as I could. Donnie was coming home for Thanksgiving!

It was so nice to have him here for the 72hr leave! Knowing in December both Donnie and Ariana would be home was great! I loved seeing them see each other at the airport! Now we have almost 2 weeks together!

December was all the normal holidays.

Watching my grandchildren open presents was so sweet. I love seeing Beth and Rachel as the wonderful mothers they are!

Donnie and Ariana were here to share them with us. That was an awesome way to end the year! I got to meet Ariana’s biological sister Katie.

That was a very special moment. So December was a massive whirlwind. The year of 2013 began with having to take them back to the Airport and say goodbye.

I took a few days and literally crashed, I was so sad. Looking back on 2012 I had some of the best most memorable days and some very difficult ones. I watched my children grow up, I hiked the North South trail, I took an amazing trip with all the ladies then with Ariana and my husband. So I can’t look back on 2012 with any regrets. I will not start this year that way either. I am looking at a new church, working out at the gym. I only have one major goal for this year. Get my health back!

Fort Gordon, end of trip

Fort Gordon I was finally on really strong pain medicine so, I actually do not remember much. I slept a lot! But there were a few fun stories. We went to the largest Wal-mart I have ever been to! I walked in and had them get me a wheelchair, when I looked down the front isle I could not see the other side. It was redneckville for sure. As they were checking out I went on out to the car. These people were fighting in the parking lot. It was very scary.

We had a Waffle house in the parking lot of the Hotel.

So we ate there everyday! Since this was kind of last minute part of the trip we had not arranged a hotel so we were in a cheap hotel. It had a tub with jets. I thought that would feel really nice on my back but I was so nervous about it being gross I made them go buy a bottle of bleach. I filled the tub and poured almost the whole bottle into it and ran it for about five minutes. I then had to wait for more hot water to get a bath. After all that work, it did not feel good on my back….. I know we went and saw a movie, Batman.

We went to the PX ( post exchange…Walmart, Target type store on the base. I was so happy just to see Donnie’s face! I loved seeing him with his father and with his wife. It felt as though I was watching the trip from the outside. Finally the day came we had to give him back. I just wanted to get it done and go home. My emotions were such a mess. I had been so happy and had such fun. And now was so sad to give him back and in such pain. So this whole trip was the best and worse trip! Once we had dropped Donnie off, we all decided lets just go.

We loaded up the car and Don drove the entire 9 hours straight home. I felt so bad. This trip we had always planned on sharing the driving. That did not happen. He had to drive the whole time. The end to a wonderful, fun, exciting, tremendous, terrible, sad painful trip!