Fear

I have realized the last few weeks, I have let fear control me for a while. Over a year ago I had some bad experiences that have left me questioning who I trust. I was hurt and so to protect myself, I curled into a ball and proceeded to shut everyone I could get away with out. Guess what, you cannot get into such a small tight ball that you are never hurt. I still have been hurt by people. I HAVE hurt people. I have said things and pushed people away. How do you come back from that. How do you put yourself back out there? Do you let the people who hurt you back in? Well I have decided to just let that happen as it happens. I have invited a few people to things. I have tried to go to others things. I probably will never trust the same way I used to. That is part of being adult. Which is highly over rated sometimes!! Oh to have the old faith still. I don't want to live in a curled up ball though. I am a person who has failed at a lot of things but I have also accomplished alot of things. I am just as messed up as others. No way perfect. I say the wrong things sometimes. I do the wrong things sometimes. But I am trying! Always trying. So I am determined to not live in fear. I know it is a little early but the end of the year is coming. This year I did only a few things I had planned because of this tight ball I was curled up in. A few weeks ago someone was talking about taking a word and making it your motto/cause for the year. So that is what I am still thinking about. What word I can use to get myself out of the bondage of my own fear. Fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of not being worthy, fear of being condemned by my past mistakes, Fear of failure. I know I said one of them twice I am most afraid of that.



Joshua 1:9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”


I need to remember this! I am working on it. Even trying to get back into church, even that I still carry large fears over. If you are a praying person please pray for me!

Fort Gordon, end of trip

Fort Gordon I was finally on really strong pain medicine so, I actually do not remember much. I slept a lot! But there were a few fun stories. We went to the largest Wal-mart I have ever been to! I walked in and had them get me a wheelchair, when I looked down the front isle I could not see the other side. It was redneckville for sure. As they were checking out I went on out to the car. These people were fighting in the parking lot. It was very scary.

We had a Waffle house in the parking lot of the Hotel.

So we ate there everyday! Since this was kind of last minute part of the trip we had not arranged a hotel so we were in a cheap hotel. It had a tub with jets. I thought that would feel really nice on my back but I was so nervous about it being gross I made them go buy a bottle of bleach. I filled the tub and poured almost the whole bottle into it and ran it for about five minutes. I then had to wait for more hot water to get a bath. After all that work, it did not feel good on my back….. I know we went and saw a movie, Batman.

We went to the PX ( post exchange…Walmart, Target type store on the base. I was so happy just to see Donnie’s face! I loved seeing him with his father and with his wife. It felt as though I was watching the trip from the outside. Finally the day came we had to give him back. I just wanted to get it done and go home. My emotions were such a mess. I had been so happy and had such fun. And now was so sad to give him back and in such pain. So this whole trip was the best and worse trip! Once we had dropped Donnie off, we all decided lets just go.

We loaded up the car and Don drove the entire 9 hours straight home. I felt so bad. This trip we had always planned on sharing the driving. That did not happen. He had to drive the whole time. The end to a wonderful, fun, exciting, tremendous, terrible, sad painful trip!

Graduation day Aug 2 2012

Day 6 August 2 Graduation day We are all so anxious to get back to the National Infantry Museum, this is where Donnie’s graduation is at. I worked hard to get ready. I hurt so much and could barely think on the meds. We arrive and thankfully we see that the tram is running. I had started to walk back to the parade field but oh it hurt so much. Ariana stopped the tram for me, my pride didn’t want to ride but I did. We sat in anxious seats waiting to see the guys. We could see them lining up across the huge field. Knowing he was there was so crazy I wanted to run across and see him so much. The Leaders came out and did the initial announcements. We watched the band come across the field Then you hear some guns going off and see some smoke bomb/flares go off. Out of the smoke came 8 guys with their weapons in hand.

We got to see all the weapons that the guys got to use in basic and what they will use if they are deployed. It was really cool to watch these young men come out of the smoke to us. Then here come our guys! The came across the field and we searched the crowd for Donnie. We could barley make him out. Finally the haze of graduation ended but we had to get back to the front of the Museum to see him! We came around the corner and I saw him see me! Araina didn’t quite see him yet.

I looked back and saw that precious moment when she did, Her face lit up and they got their first hug in months. I was so proud of Donnie we all got pretty misty eyed! No, I cried like a baby, with a big smile on my face! Donnie’s first wish, Wendy’s not sure why it was so important but we found the first one we could! Had lunch just smiling away!

Once we got back to the hotel…oh yeah got to go there. Don went to the store to window shop and I left to go swimming! After a while in the pool I had to text Beth. Should I text them? Should I call them? Should I just go back to the room. We were all sharing a room…… It was so hard being on the amount of medicine I was on.

We took him back got to see many of the parents and said good bye again…. Back at the hotel, we made reservations for the next stop. Fort Gordon, Ga. Now here is the issue. We had no idea if we would be allowed to see Donnie once he got there. Rumors abounded as to whether they would get leave that weekend or not. So we drove another 4 hrs to hopefully get a little more time with our son and Ariana with her husband……

Frustrated

I have 3 days until I get to go and finish this hike. I say finish with my fingers crossed. Don was talking about his foot hurting today. I really just wanted to scream. I am telling you I will be finishing with or with out them. They can meet me at the end each day! I just felt like he was making excuses not to finish before we have even left. I feel really annoyed about this today. I have this idea and I know it is mine and not theirs but I really would feel better with lots of support! Also, On my mind is the fact that there is 35 days until my son leaves for basic training.I am keeping busy so I do not dwell on this fact. I am incredibly excited for him. But I am also terrified for him and know i will miss him terribly. He is just like his Father, he has this way of making me so mad I can't see straight then make me laugh and smile so much it hurts! I love that boy! His sisters and I are really going to miss him more than he knows! Okay, I am done whining, sorry just needed a minute!